Scripture Reading

If you have your Bibles, 1 Thessalonians chapter 4, beginning in verse 13, and Paul says: “And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to believers, so that you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord Himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the believers who have died will rise from their graves. Then together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be together with the Lord forever. Therefore, encourage each other with these words.”

The Reality of Loss

What he’s saying here is that when those who die in Christ go, they enjoy uninterrupted fellowship with Christ now in heaven. Heaven is the abode of God. Wherever God is, wherever Jesus is, that is heaven—the presence of God. But when Jesus comes again, they’re going to be with Jesus. There’s going to be like this loud family reunion that takes place when we are gathered together. And this is the hope that we look forward to.

And so here’s the big idea that I want to share with you this morning: Grief doesn’t get the last word because death doesn’t get the last word. Let me say that again. Grief doesn’t get the last word because death doesn’t get the last word. Isn’t that good news? That’s the good news of the gospel. We are a forward-looking people. In a corresponding passage to pastor Titus, who was serving in another Greek location, namely the island of Crete, Paul said this in Titus 2:13: “We look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ will be revealed.” He’s talking about the second coming of Christ, man. We can’t wait for that day to come. Are you like me? I can’t wait for that day to come and for the full restoration of all things that will happen.

But in the midst of that, though, we have to navigate the reality of grief. Let me just give you a definition of grief: Grief is the appropriate response to life not being as it is supposed to be. That grief is the appropriate response to life not being as it is supposed to be—a response of sadness, of sorrow, of anger, of doubting, of questioning, of processing overwhelming loss. And these are all appropriate, understandable responses when you’re navigating grief.

If you don’t experience some of these things when you grieve, then one of two things is happening: Either you’re out of touch with reality—I mean, how can the daily news just not leave you feeling numb sometimes when you think about the sadness and the heartache going on in the world, whether locally or internationally in the world today—so either you’re out of touch with reality, or you’re out of touch with your emotions. Maybe you’re denying them, ignoring them, or suppressing them in some way.

But here’s the truth: we are not just physical beings. God created us to be emotional beings and he invites us to experience the depth and breadth of our emotions—of joy and laughter, but also sadness and sorrow and grief.

The Man of Sorrows

In fact, we worship a Savior—think about this—Jesus, who is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. In fact, a little Bible trivia here for you this morning: how many times does the Bible tell us that Jesus wept? That Jesus cried? The answer is three. Now, he may have cried more than that, but what is recorded is, number one, when Jesus looked one day upon the city of Jerusalem, he was heartbroken over the apathy and the spiritual brokenness of the city, and it says that he wept over Jerusalem. And then one day Jesus came to Bethany where some dear friends, Mary and Martha, who were sisters, were grieving the loss of their brother, who was also a friend of Jesus, Lazarus. And the shortest verse in the Bible, John 11:35, says that “Jesus wept.” He wept when he saw the grief that was happening there.

Then over in Hebrews 5, when it talks about how Jesus has solidarity with us in our suffering and through his humanity he identifies with us, Hebrews 5:7 says that during his earthly life, Jesus offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears. Isn’t that interesting? During his life. And I think it’s a reference to the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus experienced the dark night of the soul. Then he cried out to God with loud cries and with tears. We often think that tears are a sign of weakness, but the reality is that tears are actually a sign of strength. The most courageous person who ever lived, our Savior, was also a man who was not afraid to cry.

When I think about some of the things that are going on that we’re praying about today in our world, have you heard about the terrible twin earthquakes that have taken place in the country of Venezuela in recent days? Here’s just one of many heartbreaking stories: Luis Trejo is an Argentine soccer player who plays on a professional team in Venezuela, and he was away at training camp when the earthquake struck and demolished the apartment building where his wife and his two children were living. Can you imagine getting the word that you’ve lost your entire family as a result of the earthquake? It’s just profoundly sad what has taken place.

Well, over in 1 Peter chapter 1 and verse 6, Peter said that “in all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.” There are all kinds of circumstances that cause loss and grief in our life. Now, maybe you’ve never been persecuted for your faith like those whom Peter was writing to, but there are other ways that you have had painful circumstances that result in a loss in your life. Maybe it’s through war, or through abuse, or abandonment, or losing a relationship through betrayal. Maybe it’s mobility, where you got a new job in a new city, or maybe you moved to Canada as an immigrant and you left family behind. Maybe it’s through the pain of divorce, or perhaps it’s through a job loss, or through ailing health where there’s something in your life that as you transition, you’re lamenting about. Maybe it’s the pain of infertility, or miscarriage, or the death of a dream that you had for your life, or the painful reality of losing a loved one and how painful that can be.

The Massive Weight of Processing Pain

I was thinking, you know, just recently I was chatting with some folks about COVID. Remember the whole season? It seems like it was a long time ago, but it really wasn’t. Many of us thought COVID would be a couple of weeks, maybe two or three months, and then it turned into like two to three years. And when you look back, like, it was a massive time of loss in people’s lives all over the world. Where things were canceled, we had to learn to pivot through all kinds of stuff. But think about it: there were holiday gatherings that were lost, there were graduations that were lost, there were wedding plans that needed to be adjusted and shifted, and there were many funerals that never took place in such a way that could facilitate people experiencing grief and being blessed through the community with others.

I was thinking back that one of the most powerful services we had several years ago was near the end of COVID. It was a remarkable way that we connected with folks in our broader Hillside family who had lost a loved one during COVID but could never really grieve together and have a funeral. I think there were about twenty-five families that were represented. We had a service of remembrance where everyone that we were aware of was remembered in a very personal way. And after the service, there were different people that came up to thank me for the service, and with tears in their eyes they said, “Pastor, I finally had an opportunity to grieve the loss of a friend or a loss of this loved one that we were remembering.” And so it’s very, very important.

Karen and I were away for four months. We had a lot of “bucket filler” type of experiences, but we also attended four funerals during that time. I had two deaths in our extended family; we also lost a dear friend and mentor—a dear lady who was a mentor over thirty years ago when I was serving in another church in St. John—and then, of course, as some of you know, we all were navigating the painful loss of our colleague and friend Dale Summers, and I was here to preach Dale’s funeral. I still can’t believe that Dale’s no longer with us.

I just want to go on record—I want you to know, man, I hate death! Anybody with me on that? I hate death. And no matter whatever the age or stage of life is, death always comes too soon. I heard about a funeral with a lot of Haitians a few months ago. There was a dear woman of faith who had passed away, and during the funeral at her casket, there were several friends and family members who were just leaning over the casket and crying out, and they just said, “Too soon! Too soon!” And the truth was, this lady was 88 years old. And yet the reality was that her death was still too soon—too soon to say goodbye and to miss her presence around the table as a gathering together.

Let me just share with you two responses that we want to make sure we avoid when we’re dealing with grief:

• The first thing we want to avoid is forgetting our hope in Christ. If we’re going to stand firm, we need to have an anchor for our soul. Hebrews 6 says that Jesus is that anchor—steadfast and firm. So let’s not forget about the hope we have in Christ.
• But also, let’s make sure that we’re not sugarcoating our suffering, not just minimizing it, or ignoring it, or trying to be super spiritual about it when we haven’t really processed the pain that is involved.

As you read through the scriptures, I love that there are many examples of people of faith who have navigated authentically seasons of grief: Joseph, Hannah, Ruth, Job, David (who wrote so many of the Psalms), Jeremiah (who was called the weeping prophet), John the Baptist (when he was in prison and he was dealing with some loss and some grief and questions in his life), Mary and Martha (who wept at the loss of their brother), the Apostle Paul, and the list goes on.

Hurting with Hope Still Hurts

I remember several years ago there was a pastor, a young church planter doing a great work for the kingdom, his name is Levi Lusko. He and his wife Jennie, a few days before Christmas, if you can imagine, tragically and totally unexpectedly lost their daughter—four years old. She had a medical incident and she passed from this life into the next, and it was just a horrific, unexpected shock in their life and their family. Sometime after that, they were being interviewed on Focus on the Family, and Levi shared a phrase I never forgot: “Hurting with hope still hurts.” Let me say that again. Hurting with hope, even though you still have hope, it still hurts. It’s still painful, and we need to take the time in order to process that particular grief.

I think about Charles Haddon Spurgeon, who was the most influential preacher in the 19th century, pastored for many, many years in London, and yet he often had times of sadness and depression for various reasons in his life. He said this: “There are times when I feel like I’m living in a dungeon. Feel like I’m living in a dungeon underneath a castle of despair.” Any of you ever felt like that—that you’re living in this castle above you, and yet it’s all marked by despair? And he authentically mentions that.

Illustrations/Stories: Good Grief and the Six Phases

Let me just share with you some ways we can experience good grief—experience grief in a good, healthy kind of way:

First, take time to grieve. It’s so important. There are no timetables for grief; grief is unpredictable. People process grief in different ways based on their personality and based on where they are in their life’s journey. We just need to give space for grief to happen. Oftentimes there are triggers that stir up emotions of loss as well—whether it’s holidays, or certain sites, or songs, or food, or traditions that bring back memories to us of a loved one or a friend. Psychologists say generally speaking, there’s no timetable for grief. Grief is not linear. But generally, it takes someone anywhere from two to four years to really be able to process the grief. Grief is not something you ever get over; it’s just something you learn to get through.

I believe that the ultimate healing from grief is when Jesus will wipe every tear from our eyes and we look forward to a new heaven and to the new earth. But understand this—here’s another key phrase: You have to feel it in order to heal it. You need to make sure you feel the pain, the sorrow, the rage, the confusion.

I was thinking, you know, one of the most brilliant writers in the Christian faith, the great apologist C.S. Lewis, wrote these incredible books defending the faith and children’s stories. He was a bachelor for a good deal of his adult life until he fell in love with a woman who just took his breath away, another writer by the name of Joy Davidman. They got married when C.S. Lewis was in his fifties, and very unexpectedly, Joy came down with cancer. Their marriage together only lasted four years, if you can imagine. She was 45 years old, he was a few years older than her when she died. He went into a real time of deep grief. In fact, he wrote about it in a book called A Grief Observed. Listen to some of the ways that he describes this. Psychologists, when they look at C.S. Lewis’s life, believe that when his wife died, he probably began to experience abandonment depression. That is because when he was a little boy at the age of nine, his mother tragically died of cancer. So as a young boy, he had to navigate the tremendous loss of losing his mother, and this loss of his wife kind of triggered that.

Listen to these words of just radical honesty by C.S. Lewis: “The death of a beloved is an amputation.” It’s like when you lose a loved one, it’s like an arm or a leg has been amputated—your life will never really be the same. He went on to say, “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” In other words, there are days he was saying, I’m just going through life and all I can think about is her, and I can’t get her out of my mind. The loss is so palpable, it’s just everywhere as I go through my days. And then he went on and said this: “Grief gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up to this time I always had too little time. Now there’s nothing but time, almost pure time, empty successiveness.” In other words, he was saying, I have a lethargy, I can’t seem to get started, I can’t focus or concentrate, I’m smoking too much. You’re prone to addictive behaviors to self-medicate in the loss—whether it’s smoking, or drinking, or food, or work, or any number of things.

Many of you know that several years ago, a really beloved pastor, Rick Warren, and his wife Kay experienced the most horrible thing that almost anybody could experience: the unexpected loss of their son, Matthew. He struggled with mental health for many years, and at the age of 27, he took his life. It was unexpected and deeply painful for Rick and Kay to process. In the aftermath of journeying together, he actually wrote about six phases of grief that they discovered:

1. Shock: There’s just like shock—did this really happen?
2. Sorrow: Real deep sorrow, tears, and heartache.
3. Struggle: Where you wrestle with feelings of guilt—could I not have done more? Why wasn’t I there more? Why did this happen? Questions and struggles about our faith.
4. Surrender: Where you just surrender the burden, your questions, and your pain to the Lord.
5. Sanctification: Where if you’re a believer, God shapes your life and you can experience God in a deeper, more intimate way through all of this.
6. Service: Ultimately, it should lead to a life of service. For Rick and Kay Warren, the way God redeemed their profound loss is that they launched a global ministry on mental health that has been blessing churches all over the world as a result of the loss of their son. That’s the way God sometimes works.

In Second Corinthians chapter 1, look what Paul says: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from the Lord.” I want you to keep in mind that God comforts us so that we can then serve and bless and be a comfort to other people as well. But keep this in mind as you take the time: Isolation is the enemy of grieving. You know, the Bible says that we grieve in community, we’re healed in community. We often experience God’s love and God’s compassion and comfort through the community of others. So Romans 12:15 says to “rejoice with those who rejoice, but mourn with those who mourn.”

Secondly, avoid simplistic cliches. Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Take the time to mourn. But what sometimes can be hurtful to people when they’re mourning and grieving—and sometimes it’s not intentional, it’s well-meaning people—is using simplistic cliches that really are not helpful at all. In fact, there have been some studies on this, and it kind of breaks out in thirds. When you’re trying to help someone who’s suffering with grief, there’s a third of people who generally are helpful. There’s a third of people who are kind of like neutral—they’re not necessarily good or bad, helpful or unhelpful, they’re just kind of neutral. But then there’s a third of people that actually are not helpful at all when someone’s navigating grief, and it’s often because of simplistic cliches. We just say, “Well, you know, everything happens for a reason,” or “I know exactly how you feel.” Well, you don’t over-rehearse or necessarily know exactly how someone feels when they’re navigating the particular loss they are. Or, “Don’t worry, time will heal every wound.” There are different phrases sometimes we use simplistically that are not the right kind of verbiage in the moment. Better to say, “I’m sorry for the terrible loss that you’ve gone through. I just want you to know that I’m praying for you and I’m here for you. Is there anything—can I stop by and mow your lawn next week? Can I maybe get you some groceries at the store, or can I make a meal and drop by for a little visit next Tuesday?” Some of those things are a lot more appropriate.

But as we think about taking the time, have the courage to process your pain through lament. And this is a really important word: the word lament. Did you know that about 40% of the Psalms are songs and prayers of lament—either personal or corporate lament—where they were crying out to God, processing their grief? There’s a whole book in the Bible called the Book of Lamentations. And Psalm 62:8 says to pour out your hearts to God, who is a refuge. So take the time.

I’ve given you some resources to help you with this: there’s a GriefShare course that our church offers a couple of times a year—many of you have attended it and it’s happening this fall, so you or someone you know could benefit from that. We also are hosting DivorceCare again this fall starting in September—you can go to the information on the webpage—and we are also offering DivorceCare for Kids, because again, divorce is one of those experiences where there’s often a lot of grief that needs to be processed. There is Celebrate Recovery as well, and a number of books that you would find helpful on the subject. Just take time to grieve.

The Best is Yet to Come

And then secondly, never forget that the best is yet to come. Paul says, look what he says in verse 14: “For since we believe…” Our beliefs matter. We need to stand firm and be anchored in those beliefs—that Jesus died, was raised to life, and we also believe that when Jesus returns, not if, but when, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

You’ve often heard me say that we are an Easter people living in a Good Friday world. Jesus rose again, he’s coming again, but we live in a world where there is sadness and suffering and death. Well, not only are we an Easter people living in a Good Friday world, but I also want you to think about this: we’re an Easter people living in a Pentecost world. We’re an Easter people living in a Pentecost world because Jesus, before he left the disciples, he said, “Listen, I’m going to send the Holy Spirit who will comfort you, who will be the Helper, so that you’ll know that you will never be alone.” And part of the process of grief is allowing the Holy Spirit to be at work in our life, comforting us when we navigate these hard times.

Here are some tips on our hopeful grief to keep it hopeful:

• First, Jesus came once and he’s coming again. We need to let our perspective, our thoughts, be focused on that reality—to set our thoughts on the things above. By the way, Jesus talked a lot about his second coming in Matthew 24. Look what he said: “No one knows about that day or hour.” So be careful if you hear someone ever saying, well, I know exactly when Jesus is coming, it’s going to be on this day and this event. No, Jesus said no one knows the day or the hour—not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. It’s only our Father in heaven who knows the timetable when Jesus will come again. So what does Paul say? He said to keep watch—in other words, remain faithful. In other words, stand firm and confident in your faith. In other words, continue to live a missional life and be a light and a source of hope to others. C.S. Lewis said that ultimately, the people who’ve made the greatest impact on this world are those who have a two-world perspective and understand the realities of heaven. We want to be a church that continues to bring hope into our community. I encourage you to support the El Salvador mission team as you heard about earlier—they’ve got a bit of an $8,500 gap, but man, that’s nothing with the generosity of this church as they are going to be reaching students and helping churches in El Salvador, our students sharing the good news there.
• Secondly, hopeful grief means that we grieve, but we never ever despair. We grieve, yes, we grieve, but we don’t despair. Listen, the opposite of grief is not sadness; the opposite of grief is despair. And we do not despair. Despair is not an option if you’re a believer because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ—death never gets the final word.

Closing Challenge

The truth is, there are some people who don’t have that particular hope. Look at what Paul says here: “We don’t want you to be uninformed… so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” If you’re here today and you have not committed your life to Christ, you don’t have the reassuring hope of the resurrection, of what I’m talking about here. And I’m sure probably many of us know people in our families, in our circles of influence, who have never put their faith in Jesus Christ. This should stir our hearts; it should motivate our prayers.

Let me ask you a question: Who’s close to you right now, but far from God? Who is it the Lord would bring to your attention? If you were to die tonight, would you be ready to meet the Lord in heaven? The only way that we’re really ready to meet the Lord in heaven is to accept Jesus as the Lord and Savior of our life.

The gospel is the promise of the restoration of all things. God has set eternity in our hearts, and ultimately we long for the new things that Jesus is doing—that He’s making all things new, where there will be no more sorrow, no more suffering, no more earthquakes, no more funerals, no more sadness to grieve. And Paul goes on, I love what he says here. When the Master, when Jesus comes again to get us, all of the beauty and wonder and things we celebrate in this world will be proven to just be clues—previews of the better things to come in the new heaven and the new earth.

Have you ever been to a place like Banff out west in Alberta? I mean, it’s just breathtaking. God created that, and it’s a little clue, a preview of the restoration of all things, a new heaven and a new earth. Or how about the Amalfi Coast? Karen and I were there several years ago in Italy, overlooking the Mediterranean with lemon groves all across the countryside—just a beautiful part of God’s world. Or how about Amen Corner at Augusta National, the Masters course down in Georgia? Yeah, well come on, it’s a little clue. Even better golf courses we look forward to in the new heaven and the new earth, right? Or how about foliage season at Cabot Trail? That’s actually on my bucket list—I’ve been to the Cabot Trail, but not during the fall. I mean, just breathtaking beauty. All of these are clues of what is yet to come because grief is real, but it never gets the last word because of the resurrection.

At the end of the Bible, John says this: “I saw a new heaven and a new earth,” in Revelation 21, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and he said this is what Jesus is going to do—that “he will wipe every tear from their eyes.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new.” We look forward to that. Therefore, we can have a hopeful grief.

Finally, friends, don’t miss this point: The best part of heaven isn’t what will be there, but it will be who will be there. Family, friends, colleagues, people that we love and care about—we can’t wait to see them in heaven. And then there’s gonna be the Apostle Paul, and Barnabas (one of my heroes in the early church), and Spurgeon, and C.S. Lewis, and all these people who’ve gone before us. But you know what is going to be even more incredible than that is the fact that Jesus is going to be there, and we’re going to be in his presence forever and ever—to be with Jesus.

In John 14, when Jesus knew there was going to be some grief entering the world of the disciples in the upper room, what did he tell them? He said, “After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back… and I will take you to be with me, that you also may be where I am.” That’s what’s so powerful, and that’s what we look forward to today.

If you’re here this morning and maybe there’s some grief, some burdens that you’re carrying in your soul, our team is coming down to the front right now. They would love to pray with you so you don’t have to carry that burden alone. Maybe it’s a burden for a loved one or a friend. Or if you would like to pray to receive Jesus Christ into your life and have the hope that only He can offer, you can come down and meet with our prayer team. During this closing song, as we sing together and worship together, you can make your way down to the front for prayer.